I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
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If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
A small tragedy.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Finally!
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?