I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I feel seen.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.