@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’m not allowed to watch Hoarders anymore because people say “let it go” too often and then I can’t stop singing it, an autobiography.

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@SondraDeeMe

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

@LaceyNycole

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

@kobychill

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

@TwinSurvivalist

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

@weinerdog4life

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

@T_N_Crumpets

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

@RodLacroix

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

@_Water_Baby

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

@KeetPotato

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

@Reverend_Scott

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.