I’m not allowed to watch Hoarders anymore because people say “let it go” too often and then I can’t stop singing it, an autobiography.

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I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.


When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”


me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell


Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!


The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.


Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure


Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”


I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.


dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”


Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.