I’m not alone. I have ants.
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Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
i want it utterly assaulted.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
This sounds bad:
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.