I’m not alone. I have ants.
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I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
You are not alone 💚
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes