Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

Zack Greinke stories are the best

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”