Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice