Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

need a new bf mines broken 😐

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

Simple enough.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

23. the denim jacket

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform