I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
that wasn’t the question
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
.. do you even science?
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey