Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

Toxic snake

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

WTF IS THAT!

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.