Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

This meal prepping shit is easy

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.