I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
You Might Also Like
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
