Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom