I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
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fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
#MeanwhileinCanada
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants