I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
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[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that