Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Natural selection at its finest

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

philosophical skeletons be like

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

I cannot call her anything else now

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early