I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Home is where your toilet is.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what