Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.