I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
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This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer