Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

just gave your address to some spiders

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

the internet really was better 18 years ago

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight