Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches