Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Leonardo DiCaprisun

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump