I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
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would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this![]()
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Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
okay run it by me one more time
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Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I love you…
…r dog.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”