I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
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After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
me 2 months after i graduated
