Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

ㅤ

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

moms in horror movies

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.