I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
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I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Perfection.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Not with that attitude
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head