I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
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Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Sheep
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.