I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
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Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club