I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
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A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??