I’m not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.

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I’m such an introvert. #Introvert #Introverted #TeamIntroverted #Shy #SoShy #2Shy #2Shy2Talk2You #ShyBoy #Blushes #NoEyeContact #SoftTalker


*wakes up after all night party*

*rolls over*

*rolls over*

*rolls over*

How did I get on this escalator?


Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message


nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws


Truth or dare?
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
-Put on this ALF costume.


Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”


Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”


I am so lazy I thought about looking at the super moon and decided 2033 isn’t even that far away


WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.


[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really