@Parentpains

I’m not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.

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@markleggett

I’m such an introvert. #Introvert #Introverted #TeamIntroverted #Shy #SoShy #2Shy #2Shy2Talk2You #ShyBoy #Blushes #NoEyeContact #SoftTalker

@TheDailySchmuck

*wakes up after all night party*

*rolls over*

*rolls over*

*rolls over*

How did I get on this escalator?

@pleatedjeans

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

@skullmandible

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

@AndyAsAdjective

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

@JerpsBerps

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

@DadBits

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

@chrissyteigen

I am so lazy I thought about looking at the super moon and decided 2033 isn’t even that far away

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

@Ygrene

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really