When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
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Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
“TGIM!” – My liver
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
They grow up so quick
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??