“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
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I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Roses are red, you always mattered,
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
