I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
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[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Buying a well is money well spent.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
yeah 😭
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants