I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
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I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?