I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
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HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
That’s enough internet for the day
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat