I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
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me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.