I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
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me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table