I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
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Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
The pasta is now
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.