I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
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When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.