I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
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Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
my first day as a raccoon
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead