I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
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Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
haha same
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]