I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
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Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”