Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

I can’t be the only one 😂

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

is it earth

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.