Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea