Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

i could never be president. im overqualified.

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”