I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

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Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.


Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.


PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam


My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.


Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon


Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.


I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.