@_NTFG_

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

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@Hellaphantitis

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

@faizziy

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

@torlangi_danish

Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap

@rockymomax

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

@dj_raleigh

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

@3sunzzz

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.