I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
You Might Also Like
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”