Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
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At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
“What do you do for a living?”
“Louder for the tape?”
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.