I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me, flirting😏
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
That took me a moment.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now