I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
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Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.