I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
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I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.