Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

i think we should see other cousins

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

meanwhile over on facebook

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.