I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
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Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!