I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
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PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Is this the real life?
Is this just