I’m not average. I’m mean.
You Might Also Like
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Midwest trash talk
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
tourist season
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.