yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
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Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin