@ozzyunc

“I’m not book smart so I must be street smart.”– People who are no kind of smart

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@AndLookPretty

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

@AnkCoupleTO

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

@MattTheBrand

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

@daemonic3

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

@AimeeHelene1

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

@elle91

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

@GodAnimalBooks

Dog: am I a wolf?

God: no you’re a dog.

Dog: what’s the difference?

God: wolves live in a pack.

Dog: like a family?

God: ok yes.

Dog: I am a wolf!

God: but wolves howl at the moon.

Dog: so?

God: you bark at appliances.

Dog: [offended] I do not!

God: [turns on vacuum].

@GingerHotDish

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

@CulturedRuffian

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her: