“I’m not book smart so I must be street smart.”– People who are no kind of smart

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I’ve learned there are two types of people in this world:

People I trust to help me bury bodies…

…and bodies


restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place


Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.


remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me


robber: give me the money! *points gun at cashier*
cashier: wait thats just a blow dryer

nervous snowman patron: please just do as he says!


Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.



Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”


wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go


*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*