Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
“I’m not book smart so I must be street smart.”– People who are no kind of smart
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[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Dog: am I a wolf?
God: no you’re a dog.
Dog: what’s the difference?
God: wolves live in a pack.
Dog: like a family?
God: ok yes.
Dog: I am a wolf!
God: but wolves howl at the moon.
God: you bark at appliances.
Dog: [offended] I do not!
God: [turns on vacuum].
Sex so good, you make bed angels with your arms and legs afterwards.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]