I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
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She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.