Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏