I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
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*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
This one’s “Alex”.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Oh yeah that’s it
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
it is time once again
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like