Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99