I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
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I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡