i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
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If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.