Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

{First Day at FedEx}

me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away

manager: wow you’re a natural

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.