If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE