Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
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If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Battery falling down a hole
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao