Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.