Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

The news in a nutshell.

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?