I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
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I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
