I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
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Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
No one:
London landlords:
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead