“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
You Might Also Like
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
79.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality