“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
You Might Also Like
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
What
