Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

The symmetry is uncanny.

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

🙂🙃🥹

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty