I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
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guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
checking out some reviews of my local library
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly