Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book