I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
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Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia